14 January 2010

Are you sitting comfortably?

Stories, in my opinion, should mostly include coloured trumpets, sausages in heat, musings on Thursdays, and the fact that Chaucer's father was a vintner.

And they should have a character named the Yam Man, who offers people yams on the bus and advises passengers against selling their pretty necklaces.

And they should be peppered with anecdotes, like knocking small children over in the street with the Norton Anthology of Shakespeare, then placing them back on their feet with one deft movement.

And they should have a fairly lengthy Bible passage wedged in, preferably from the Book of Revelations as this links to Middle English texts and lists jewels.

And they should be based on true stories of criminality, describing fumbling with locks in a wordy way, rife with innuendo.

And they should be accompanied by beer and cushions and obstacle courses of crossed legs and trendy people from Peckham and cellists wearing floral dresses and choirs who bide their time.

And they should be read from a fairy-lit pedestal, megaphoned to all, spreading mega-fun.

This way, bedtime stories can only lead to better dreams...

5 comments:

Ed said...

Agreed, but they should also sometimes loosely paraphrase Persuasion in a sort of mechanic-tinted whimsy, and should sometimes be read off fruit (although positively occasionally, in the case of the last one)

Ma said...

Stories that are readable at bedtime are mostly: Bear Hunt, Each Peach Pear Plum and Land of Green Ginger - anything more complicated needs wine and acting school.

anna said...

Land of Green Ginger probably needs recreational drugs - though it's actually a heady trip in itself! Read it Ed, and NOT the abridges version. And Austen obviously, though unconsciously, runs in my veins...

Mike said...

The history of The Land of Green Ginger is complicated - the "original" version did not contain some of the best episodes, which were added later. Alas, in some misguided puritan crusade, only the original version seems to be in print.

Did you really hit a child with a Shakespeare anthology? A recent Guardian opinion piece does say that children should be introduced to Shakespeare's works...

anna said...

Ha, it was Gary, not me! Naturally, as he IS the misanthropic child-hater. He's giving children Shakespeare complexes BEFORE they've even done Freudian readings of Hamlet.