Stories, in my opinion, should mostly include coloured trumpets, sausages in heat, musings on Thursdays, and the fact that Chaucer's father was a vintner.
And they should have a character named the Yam Man, who offers people yams on the bus and advises passengers against selling their pretty necklaces.
And they should be peppered with anecdotes, like knocking small children over in the street with the Norton Anthology of Shakespeare, then placing them back on their feet with one deft movement.
And they should have a fairly lengthy Bible passage wedged in, preferably from the Book of Revelations as this links to Middle English texts and lists jewels.
And they should be based on true stories of criminality, describing fumbling with locks in a wordy way, rife with innuendo.
And they should be accompanied by beer and cushions and obstacle courses of crossed legs and trendy people from Peckham and cellists wearing floral dresses and choirs who bide their time.
And they should be read from a fairy-lit pedestal, megaphoned to all, spreading mega-fun.
This way, bedtime stories can only lead to better dreams...